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New digs, dig it? [Dec. 14th, 2004|09:28 am]
[mood |hopefulhopeful]

I finally am getting out of my friend's parent's house. I must say, while I have enjoyed my time there, it has been very... uncomfortable. Not because of any awkwardness that the family has been projecting, but I feel like I'm living off of them, mooching so to speak. I am, and I hate, HATE that feeling. There's a long, involved, and very boring explanation for this. I won't go into that today. Suffice to say I don't like feeling like I'm taking advantage of generosity. Led's family has been VERY generous.

This new place is pretty cool. The room is decent sized, only 275 a month, no lease and very low deposit. The man who owns the house is the old Scottish guy with a very English accent, and philosophically he and I agree quite a bit. The fact that I found this out the first time I met him is very promising as well. I think I'll get along in this place.

The extra commute will suck. Right now I'm next to the freeway. This place is almost 20 minutes beyond the freeway. 40 minutes total commute each way each day. It will not be fun. But not everything can work out for me at once. Just the way it goes.

I am actually suprised at how well this can turn out. I don't want to get overly hopeful about the situation, as it can go very sour very quickly (I can attest to that through personal experience - those who seem cool at first meeting end up being very different later), and my abilities to judge people is spotty at best. But I am hopeful none the less.

Now for the hard part. I hate moving...
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On Holidays and the Second Coming of the Fourth Age [Dec. 13th, 2004|02:00 pm]
[mood |self depricating]
[music |Money for Nothing - Dire Straits]

I know this is starting like a whiny, "poor little me" entry, but I promise to avoid that as much as possible. Just a little down today is all.

Mainly my mood is due to a few mistakes made at work recently. I made a stupid move. I had the best of intentions, but the execution was flawed in many ways. Last week I talked to a lady who was totally frantic that the huge $250.00 + item she ordered for her 3 yr old for Christmas was out of stock and could not get to her for the holiday. There was absolutely nothing I could do to replace the item, every option I explored would not work. In the end I canceled her order and wished her luck finding something similar.

I felt terrible that this kid's Christmas would be spoiled because we couldn't keep our info at the site updated. So, as a way of apology, I sent this lady, completely free of charge, a much smaller (and much less expensive) but still similar item, merry Christmas from Amazon. I thought I had done something pretty nice for someone.

The only problem was I placed the order from an account under my name. It was not an account I use for ANYTHING other than training or work, so I thought it would be alright. I don't know what possessed me to think this at the time. But, feeling like I was doing some good in the world, I guess I just overlooked the whole conflict of interest thing.

It came back to bite me. Today my sup called me over with a VERY grim look on his face, and asked me to explain. I did, telling him more or less the same story. I forgot to leave any notes in my own account explaining the actions, though I did note her account. The problem comes in when no one, not even me, can find the original account I did this for. My only peice of corroborating evidence is lost in a billing system with 40 million accounts +. I've been told it should be ok, that there should be no repricutions to this, but this is also the type of thing people lose thier jobs over. We'll see how it goes.

Onto better subjects: I am a bibliovore (to coin a word - not mine, but a good one). I love books. I've read thousands in my life. I plan on reading tens of thousands more. This weekend I was introduced to the BEST bookstore in the world (don't tell Amazon I said that). It's in Portland, OR, and is a full city block of everything you could possibly imagine, plus a lot you couldn't. I want to live there. I can hide between the cookbooks and the foriegn travel guides! They'd never find me! EVER! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha... (gasp, gasp)

But enough sidetracking, this is not what I wanted to write about. I was trying to illustrate I love books. I think I've done that. That being said, I've been reading and rereading the Lord of the Rings Trilogy since I was around 8 or 9, and consider them probably the best fantasy story ever written. Needless to say, I like the movies, but the theatrical versions have always been a little lacking in those small but oh so important details. Most of my disappointment has been belayed by the extended editions released later, so I've been able to accept this as a necassary evil. In the Return of the King, however, there was too much missing for me to really enjoy it in the theater. I still bawled like a baby for 20 minutes in the car after the first time I saw it in the theater, so I guess I liked it more than I first listed.

That being said, I had and opportunity last week to download and watch the extended version before it was released (totally legally, of course). I must say, EVERYTHING is back, with the single exception of the scouring of the Shire. (for those of you who don't know what this is, read the books!) I can understand this, as it would have been another HOUR of movie time, and the extended is already a little over 4 hours by itself. Let me tell you, the Mouth of Sauron... it's quite a mouth.
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Playing Ketchup [Dec. 6th, 2004|09:16 am]
[mood |workingworking]
[music |"Thank your for calling Amzon.com. How may I help you?"]

So it's been a while since I've been here. I could say I've been playing a lot of Halo 2. Or I could say I've been looking for a place to live that wasn't Led's parent's house. Or I could say a lot of things that would be truth. But to be honest I've been avoiding it. I have been trying to excise certain thoughts from my mind, and most of my journal is a reminder of what I'm trying to put behind me.

My decision does not waiver. However, I still have felt the need to push the subject that has been used so frequently in past entries. I have unsaid things I want to say, things that wouldn't make a difference but would help to explain my feelings on the subject. I think my intentions/actions were misunderstood, etc, etc.

Instead I decided it was better just to wait till I had something else to say. So here it is. Those of you who do read this, I apologize for the delay. I hope you can understand, I just wanted to give myself some time to stop whining.

So to update: Not much... tried Halo 2 on Legendary (the hardest mode) and found a new meaning to the word "bitch", as I saw it used in reference to me over and over and over. I've been looking for a room that wasn't with Led's parents, and have had some luck with that. I will be looking at one today, as a matter of fact. It seems every available room in Tacoma is actually in Parkland, however....

I've also been eyeballing KOTOR 2 (Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, and pay attention because I don't want to have to repeat myself) and have decided to pick it up this weekend. I don't have enough money to do that and move, but I don't have enough money to move with anyway, so no worries there... I guess.

I miss a lot of friends up in B'ham, and subsequently have been making pretty much bi weekly trips up there to hang and just FEEL like I more than 2 friends still. I know it sounds silly, but sometimes it's nice to have confirmation people remember you after you've left.

I've been pretty melancholy in general. Not always a bad thing, but a lonely thing for sure. Work's been easy - either broken or dead or both most of the time. The work backlog has created a lot of OT as well - and I could use it. $9.50 an hour just doesn't cut it now days....

I've been downloading a lot of the movies I lost in the move, and so nothing really new on that front to critique or be opinionated about or moved by or whatever. I have seen some really good flicks lately that I haven't mentioned, but I don't have the time here to go over them. Maybe soon.

I will stop rambling here. More to come (and I will definitely come through on that, if you know what I mean).
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Got time for a quicky? [Nov. 26th, 2004|01:01 pm]
[mood |hopefulhopeful]

I appreciate all your patience during my rants, raves, and self deprecation. I would like, if I may (you may NOT!), to infringe upon that patience one last time and tell you all one final detail pertaining to the saga I've recently been hammering away about. I came to this realization a few days ago, and figured I should post it here just to kind of add closure to my journal as well. Depending on how things turn out, this will probably be the last time I write about this particular thing.

While I still would like to have a friend in Chandromeda, I realized that it has become impossible for me to even try for anything more. My perception of the whole relationship would be skewed by the issues I've encountered up to this point. I've done my best and been nothing but honest and forth right. I can do nothing more. If this wasn't enough, then too bad for her. I don't deserve this kind of silent treatment, so I remove myself from the situation. In other words, I quit, if only to salvage the small amount of self respect I have left.

Once I realized this, for some UNKNOWN reason, my stress over the situation disappeared. I won't say I'm not let down, because I do regret the missed opportunity. But now I'm not the only one who missed one. So, onward!
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sometimes I hate what I do [Nov. 21st, 2004|05:35 pm]
[mood |lonelylonely]
[music |Fleetwood Mac - Yesterday's Gone]

I'm not even sure how to explain myself right now. I've fucked up in just about every facet of my life in recent months. I've moved away from, lost, or alienated almost everyone I care about. This shouldn't come as a surprise to me, every few years I destroy my social life in a fit of depression and self loathing. Par for the course. But I thought I was over that by now. I thought I had grown up. Wrong again.

C is pretty much ignoring me. I won't speculate as to why, but I don't appreciate her lying to me. She has informed me several times she wanted to hang out some, and to give her a ring when I was in town. I made many attempts to get ahold of her, and every time seems to be ignored. I don't know what I did to make her behave this way toward me, and if she'd prefer I left her alone completely, then ok. Even at my worst, I'm enough of an adult to honor that. But I would appreciate the courtesy of telling me so. Or I may be completely off base, and it's something else entirely. I'm just deeply hurt by her silence it is all. I hope whatever it is I did to cause it isn't permanent.

D recently reminded me of how much of a real scumbag I am capable of being. It was at my request, but I guess I wasn't prepared to handle the reality of it or the ferocity of her pain I caused. I treated her like garbage, and she was nothing but patient and caring. I have a problem living with myself when I think of that. I've done unspeakable, unforgivable things. Things I'm too ashamed to even mention. The fact she still speaks to me is a testament to her character. But, the reminders of how deep my faults run are getting to me. I don't know how to make up for all the things I've done. I don't even know where to start. An apology would just be insulting at this point.

I can't help but harbor the thought that my situation with C is a direct karmic result of my actions with D. It would be just. It would be something I deserve. Much more, actually. I am capable of being a honorable person, but such evil blackness resides in me as well. Why do I only see the bad in myself so often? That's not who I want to be.

Okay, this self pity trip is done. All I wanted to really say is that I'm not the person I try to be. I'm not the person I loath being either, but sometimes that person gets ahold of my life and makes it hell for a while. I guess I'm just tired of messing things up. Can someone help me at all? I'm tired of losing my friends.

-addendum- I guess I don't really have much ground to talk about feeling like I was lied to. I told Chandromeda I wasn't upset with her. That, it seems, was a lie.
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Strange Days [Nov. 20th, 2004|02:49 pm]
[mood |goodgood]
[music |Strange Days - The Doors]

Thursday. Strange day. worst day I've had at work so far. Nothing in particular made it bad, just couldn't get my spirits up. I hate days like that. Days where you can actually see the disdain in the faces of those around you. Of course it's not actually there, but perception is a powerful force, able to warp the very fabric of reality, one person at a time.

Anyway, got off of work early since it was so slow, which was nice. Tried to get my Halo 2 online, but due to setup constraints and technological incompatibilities, it didn't happen. Bummer. Most of the evening was inconsequential. But Led wanted to go sing some, and having nothing other than time on my hands I decided a ride along would be a nice change.

I also wanted to see Gwen again. She's a long time friend from a long time ago, and I haven't heard from her in years. My fault, not hers. Led invited her out, but she didn't want to go. She instead invited us to her place for a little while to chill. So we chilled for a while and chatted. It was nice to see how she was doing. There's more to this story, but for another time.

After we went to this bar in the U-district (college girls - yay!) so Led could get a song or 2 in. It's important to know the situation we walked into here. Between the 2 of us, we had 5.00 exactly for drinks. We had 1 cigarette. The bar itself, while crowded, was dead. No energy. Everyone was just kind of there. In short, a direct translation of my mood into a social gathering.

We pulled up to a table just as the host was starting things up. First thing Led throws in a song, Kick Start My Heart, Motley Crue. He figured hair metal would go over well with a bunch of frat boys. Well, the host sang the first song, don't remember what, but as I said it was dead there, so up next came Led. The song title comes up on the screen. A few cheers. Turns out his instincts were correct. The music starts, and Led's performance commences. And immediately the crowd went absolutely insane. I have never, NEVER seen a karaoke performance muster as much energy in my life. People really didn't stop cheering through the whole song. And Led absolutely blew away this song. I would say nailed it, but it was more like he squashed it between a building and a speeding bus. I have never heard him do so well. By the time he was done, the entire bar had crowded into the room to listen, everyone was so impressed, and then the party got started. After that, everyone was up on stage, getting cheers, having a great time. And it's all Led's fault. He alone walked into this place and set it on fire. It blew my mind. Congratulations to you dude.

Well, I think I should say after that both he and I had all the free booze we could want, suddenly we had smokes, and Led couldn't walk 10 feet without someone congratulating him or talking him up. Even the bartender, who did a really good rendition Paradise City, was in awe.

I have not the words to give an accurate description of how this all really went down, so I apologize for my mangled ramblings here. But I think you get the idea. Needless to say my mood improved dramatically. Even when we didn't leave the bar till 1.30, and I needed to be up at 7, I was still in a much better mood. Even when we were pulled over on the way home for a drunk check, and somehow managed to dodge over 1500 dollars in tickets that could have been issued, my mood never really sank again. So thanks for that as well, Led.
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Since we're on the subject... [Nov. 15th, 2004|10:40 pm]
[mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]

So yesterday I was inspired to share a bit of thanks I owe. After I got done making my small homage to those friends most important to me at this point in my life, I decided to take a break from Halo for the day and watch a few movies before bed (Battle Royal and Shaun of the Dead). And it seemed fate had conspired to show me something yesterday. A recurring theme to the day started to emerge from my seemingly random activities. It made me wonder... more on that in a moment.

Battle Royale: An intense and graphic film about a group of 7th graders who are kidnapped and put on a deserted island under strict supervision, and their only purpose on said island is to be the only one left alive after 3 days. Everyone else must die, or everyone dies. And this is enforced by law. Created as an attempt to discourage the growing violence in thier youth. The film is about 2 kids from this class, and how they try to keep eachother alive while not killing thier classmates, most of who have taken to killing rather easily. Some call for peace, but are gunned down within minutes. Some kill without realizing what it is they're doing, and the truth hits them too late. Some refuse to submit and take thier own lives. And some become bloodthirsty predators. All die horrible, gruesome deaths. Amongst this is the heros, a young boy and girl student, who are not only brave enough to try and live without killing, but inspired to try to live beyond this catastrophe together. I don't want to spoil anything, it's an incredible film, but while this is all going on, the real focus of the film is thier relationship. They're bond as friends doesn't waiver while others who tried to band together end up tearing eachother apart in a paranoid rage. I recommend it highly.

Shaun of the Dead: By far one of the best horror movies ever made. Funniest as well. Never does the story try to explain the phenomenon, and it really doesn't matter anyway. A huge amount of people become zombies and meander around aimlessly looking to sate the only instinct remaining - eating the living. What else? They serve as the faceless antagonist that brings the hero to light. Poor Shaun, trying to stay true to those he cares about. Lives a dreary existence, just living away his life. And then when the "z-day" happens, he finds he's not as dreary as he thought. The whole movie is him attempting to save those he cares about. Again, the central thing in this movie is he never leaves his friends behind, even if they've been zombie-gnawed. Even at the end, when he walks into the shed and... actually, I won't spoil that one either. But those who have seen it will understand. Friendship is the main character here.

As you can see, long after I finished my feeble attempts to show my friends I care, I see these things and I wonder, what is it with the friendship thing? I mean, I don't know if it was coincidence or what, but if it wasn't, the meaning of it is just beyond my grasp. Maybe I need more friends? Maybe I need to appreciate the ones I have now more? Friends are worth fighting for? Always stand by your friends, because they will always stand by you? All of the above, actually, and so much more I'm not able to see I'm sure. Deep meaningful significance contained in conscious expressions is not something I can easily recognize. I'm working on that.

Or maybe the theme was bloodbaths. There was a lot of those too.

I think I need to think on this more.

Vogon Poetry Part V: Something different? No thanks.

my lonely poison
I swallow it willingly.
it's antidote too
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This is long over due [Nov. 14th, 2004|07:43 pm]
[mood |thankfulthankful]

Something I read today
Showed me something I've forgotten
My friends
Not forgotten in thought at all
but not mentioned enough

There's the one who is the host
he has his problems
but they never effect his open ways
or his love of company

There's the one most loyal of all
open arms and open heart
Has given me the shirt off his back and the couch in his living room
times to numerous to count

There is the one who intrigues me
I find new meaning each time we speak
Bravest person I've ever known
Inspiring to all those around her

And of course I won't forget
the coolest friend I know
best at just chilling on the couch
and joking around when I need it the most

Lest I forget the charisma king
But will bend over backwards to help a friend
Quick to laugh and quick on desicions
I hope to amuse others as much as you do me

There's the one who's the storyteller
narrates everything to a T.
conversational talent beyond any I've known
and the best zelda tattoos

And then theirs the Geek Master
Loves his life and shows it
never looks down, so he never gets there
determined to be the best person he can

And the best for last,
there's the one who will never forget me
and neither I about her
Daring to be who she wants to be
Discovering her true worth at last,
That will be a huge discovery.

This list is not all inclusive.
I have far more people to thank.
But I'd be here a year typing it all in.
There are so many more people who have been there
than this meager list could begin to demostrate.
I wish I could recognize them all.
the gone but not forgottens.
They all showed me something beyond what I had known before
and I am forever grateful for you all.
Thank you for the inspiration.
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Blathering on [Nov. 14th, 2004|05:32 pm]
[mood |contentcontent]

This was an experience. Yesterday I saw death. I tasted it. I hunted down my nemesis, I took his life, he took mine, and then we were both reborn to hunt again. I saw my soul as it leaked out of me onto the verdant lawns of the valleys. I died a thousand times this way, and others more gruesome and painful, and was reborn each time to again fight for life. And each time was sweeter than the last. I laughed with the humor of the gods. I cried with the sorrow of the damned. I roared with the anger of the vengeful. I was a warrior.

For those who don't know what I'm talking about, I'm referring to Halo 2, that new bastion of fanboy-ism recently unleashed on the world by the Evil Empire. I admit, I am a total geek (didn't you know?) when it comes to games, and I fall victim to that fanboy mentality just like most males in the 15-35 year demographic. This weekend, however, proved my absolute ravenous anticipation of this game was not unfounded, even though it means I've succumb to the lure of mindless consumerism.

When the release date was announced almost 6 months ago, I and a few of my friends in b'ham organized a small get together to experience playing against one another. A lot has happened in the intervening time, but missing this Halo party was not an option, regardless of circumstance. Well, more than just a few friends showed up. We ended up having 14 people participate in our electric carnage fest. We hooked up 4 tv's and systems, and an absolute bloodbath ensued. Let me tell you, the visage the Master Chief presents on a 61 inch high definition lcd television is enough to make a man weep. People were scrabbling for their very lives. We played 12 straight hours. It was glorious. I'm still video blind 16 hours later. It was a hell of a party.

This is the best game I've ever played.
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Vogon Poetry part 4: God, ah, haiku's again? [Nov. 8th, 2004|12:10 am]
[mood |sleepysleepy]
[music |Turn the Page]

Some midnight poetry before bed. Don't judge me too harshly because I like this form so much.

An empty room, white.
Ghosts in corners, echos.
My house is empty.


The mountain is blind
The valley looks too closely
Neither see the truth


I enjoy the night.
Serene. Yet I yearn for light
and look to the dawn.


Sweet sustaining drain,
enfold me in your blankness
Take me to my dreams
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